If you've ever spent a year or more trying to start a family, you surely know where I'm going with this already. My sister-in-law who is coincidentally (10 years younger than I am) thought she might be pregnant last weekend. This is the same sister-in-law who suddenly found herself pregnant 24 months ago at the tender age of 23, not even graduated from college yet, not married yet, and therefore having to rush the wedding because the whole concept of having children outside of "wedlock" is still fairly stigmatized here in Japan (or at least that's my husband's assessment of things in this part of Japan). Whatever. She's a sweet girl. She and her husband make wonderful parents, don't get me wrong. And frankly, 23 years old isn't that young in the grand scheme of things. But when they first announced their "oops" pregnancy Gboy and I had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for the previous 8 months. This is not the kind of news that a woman facing the possibility of infertility really wants to hear - that someone barely having their shit together, and without even trying can get pregnant by mistake.
And now, just as I'm starting to think about what it would mean to try to get pregnant again, just as I'm starting to accept that we might have another long haul in front of us once again (have I mentioned that I don't even have a reason to believe that I'm capable of getting pregnant just yet?), she thinks she's pregnant. Basically she had to get a weaker dose of prescription medicine for her cough last week because she thought she might be pregnant. This suggests to me some active trying for a second pregnancy since her period wasn't even late yet and she was worried about taking strong medicine while possibly pregnant. The period arrived pretty much on time it seems, therefore no baby this time around.
But I'm already bracing myself for the news of what is now her impeding pregnancy. I'm sure she'll be pregnant before this summer which means we'll still be here in Japan and will likely see her face to face. Does this make me a pessimist? I can't even believe I'm having to deal with all the dark feelings this stirs up. I don't want to, but it seems inevitable at this point.
I had hoped that having my daughter would be enough to make me happy and not feel the stings of infertility as sharply. And yet, I feel once again like it's a race to the finish and the universe is one more working against us. Could the fact that my 35th birthday is in April and I'll cross the line over to "advanced maternal age" have anything to do with it? Surely. I need an attitude adjustment. And maybe some cupcakes.