Sunday, January 18, 2009

And so it begins again....

If you've ever spent a year or more trying to start a family, you surely know where I'm going with this already. My sister-in-law who is coincidentally (10 years younger than I am) thought she might be pregnant last weekend. This is the same sister-in-law who suddenly found herself pregnant 24 months ago at the tender age of 23, not even graduated from college yet, not married yet, and therefore having to rush the wedding because the whole concept of having children outside of "wedlock" is still fairly stigmatized here in Japan (or at least that's my husband's assessment of things in this part of Japan). Whatever. She's a sweet girl. She and her husband make wonderful parents, don't get me wrong. And frankly, 23 years old isn't that young in the grand scheme of things. But when they first announced their "oops" pregnancy Gboy and I had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for the previous 8 months. This is not the kind of news that a woman facing the possibility of infertility really wants to hear - that someone barely having their shit together, and without even trying can get pregnant by mistake.

And now, just as I'm starting to think about what it would mean to try to get pregnant again, just as I'm starting to accept that we might have another long haul in front of us once again (have I mentioned that I don't even have a reason to believe that I'm capable of getting pregnant just yet?), she thinks she's pregnant. Basically she had to get a weaker dose of prescription medicine for her cough last week because she thought she might be pregnant. This suggests to me some active trying for a second pregnancy since her period wasn't even late yet and she was worried about taking strong medicine while possibly pregnant. The period arrived pretty much on time it seems, therefore no baby this time around.

But I'm already bracing myself for the news of what is now her impeding pregnancy. I'm sure she'll be pregnant before this summer which means we'll still be here in Japan and will likely see her face to face. Does this make me a pessimist? I can't even believe I'm having to deal with all the dark feelings this stirs up. I don't want to, but it seems inevitable at this point.

I had hoped that having my daughter would be enough to make me happy and not feel the stings of infertility as sharply. And yet, I feel once again like it's a race to the finish and the universe is one more working against us. Could the fact that my 35th birthday is in April and I'll cross the line over to "advanced maternal age" have anything to do with it? Surely. I need an attitude adjustment. And maybe some cupcakes.


  1. I've got on SIL who got pregnant accidentally at something like 38, and another who takes only a month or two to get pregnant. So I know what you mean.

  2. Uggg. I can totally feel your pain. I hate that it feels like a race, too... I don't want it to! I had a chemical pregnancy at Christmas (I haven't blogged about it -- yet?), and a couple of days after I miscarried/got my period, one of my friends told me that she is pregnant again. Her first son is younger than mine. Why does the universe always do that?

    If it helps, I've heard from wise and trustworthy sources that if your AF takes a while to come back when BFing, it's easier to get pregnant right away. (As opposed to women like me, who got AF at four months, it takes about 6 cycles for full fertility to come back.) Hopefully you'll catch that egg ASAP and these fears will not have to come to fruition.

  3. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Been there, done that. Twice, in fact. As you might know, my sister (who at the time was a senior in high school) got pg when Frank and I were at the start of the 2nd year ttc. Frank's sister got pregnant with her SECOND CHILD (had the first in HER senior year) before I got pregnant. Umm yeah. Ouch. I get's like you see it coming and you can't do anything about it but hold your breath and brace for impact.

    I'd send you some of those cupcakes if I could. :) Thanks so much for all of your support lately!