Enter the Daycare

I've never even seen Enter the Dragon, but felt that a martial arts reference was somehow appropriate here.

Yes, Peanut is in daycare now. We started her last week. The plan is to have her in daycare 2 days a week in order for Gboy and I to attend to some work-related issues (his home business needs some help and at the moment the help is me). Also, I'm hoping to get some quality time with Sweet Pea (and I sincerely hope that we get to do some cat napping together on occasion). Furthermore, I think Peanut could really use the outlet. The daycare we've selected is attended by two of her toddler friends (comforting) and several other new playmates (exciting). They've also got tricycles (!) and dollhouses (!) and a chinchilla (!) and a kitten (!). They go on little excursions to the library and local playgrounds. And starting in one more week, she'll be having preschool in the mornings for a few hours. The preschool teacher is a certified 1st grade teacher with two kiddos of her own, both under the age of 5. It's a wonderful play-based environment that I think suits Peanut's personality beautifully.

Having said all of this, the first day went perfectly. By the second there were signs of some separation anxiety. It's increased little by little each day (we're at day 3 today) and although she loves the idea of playing at the daycare, she doesn't want to nap there. She hasn't outright refused to go yet, and willingly got dressed and walked over with me this morning. And all was going along really well until just before I walked out the door. That's when she lost it and the waterworks started. There was crying, howling, and climbing all over me (and little Sweet Pea who was strapped to me in the Bjorn). I know that kids do this. I know that separating takes time. And I also know that she's a pretty independent kid already (we did a play date test run that went without a hitch - she didn't seem to care if I was around at all that day). I suspect this is just something that we have to muddle through as many parents have done before me, but it feels hard. Really hard.

A part of me feels like I should be able to manage both kids and a home business all at the same time without needing outside help. But Peanut isn't that kind of kid. She's a high-energy kid who likes a *lot* of social interaction. I can only read so many books to her, or play ice cream shop with her for so many hours in the day before Sweet Pea just *has* to have her needs met and the business needs my attention. Eventually, my best efforts to multi-task ("Let's read a book while Mama feeds Sweet Pea") cease to be entertaining enough for Peanut - my little dynamo.

For now, we're riding it out to see where this takes us.

Sleepless in Osaka

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I know that the dilemma of the "working mother" is common these days. These days, with so many moms working - be it from home, or part-time, full time, (you name it) I realize I'm not alone. That doesn't make the change I may be making soon, with regards to work, any easier to accept. There will likely be bumps in the road. But that's life and it's nothing I can't handle.

I think the more telling thing about my last post is that I suddenly find myself unable to get to sleep at night. I say "suddenly" but it seems that for the last couple of weeks, even though I do eventually fall asleep, it's often hours later than I would normally fall asleep. And since Peanut is up with the sun these days, it means not many hours of sleep for this mama! I suspect that my subconscious is either incredibly excited about the return to Seattle, OR anxious about the ever growing to-do list that faces us upon our return (is it possible I'm both?!!). Yep, I think the sleeplessness may be cured by a long flight across the Pacific Ocean.

In the meantime, I may need to schedule a haircut. My salon here is very affordable and part of the package is a kind of head and neck massage that would *surely* help me relax.

Between a rock and a hard place

That's sort of how I feel. It's not the most apt description as it connotes all bad choices, but I'm facing the prospect of going back to work in a part-time capacity and I definitely have mixed emotions about the whole thing.

On the one hand, I'm super excited about the possibility of working again for a library system I really enjoyed working for just prior to my daughter's birth. Between 2005 and 2007 I worked on obtaining my master's of library and information science. I loved the program. I loved the material we studied, the people I met in my program, the fact that I could do something I loved and get paid for it. And after I graduated from my full-time master's program I found a part-time, temporary work situation that I stayed at until just prior to Peanut's birth. Shortly after she was born, we started mentally preparing to come to Japan and it didn't make much sense at the time for me to go back to work, try to put her in daycare while my husband and I were working, only to take her right back out of daycare when we moved to Japan. Perhaps understandably then, there have been many days since Peanut's birth that I have missed working in this profession I love.

On the other hand, however, I dread the idea of leaving her behind while I go to work. We've been together for so much of the last 16 months that I can't quite envision *not* being with her all the time. And while I love my profession, I'm considering a return to a temporary work situation in the event that we do in fact return to Japan in the near future and I'm unable to commit myself to something more permanent. But, frankly the temporary work isn't quite as interesting or fulfilling as the full-time work would be.

On the one hand, we could really, really use the money while Gboy is working from home on his own business idea which hasn't taken off yet. On the other hand, it may be hard because he'll be the care provider when I'm at work and we'll have to swap when he needs to work from home. Our schedules will need some tweaking and it sounds a bit daunting.

And if I'm honest, I had started to dream of our return to the U.S. as a time of all fun and summer games/activities, catching up with old friends, and basically a return to "life as normal." But if I get real with myself, which I probably should, having a child means your life is never "all fun and games" or "normal". Everything is different. The differences may be huge or they may be subtle, but there will be differences since a little person is depending on us to care for her on a day-to-day basis and to provide an income for our family in order to support her.

All of this means that I'm excited to be thinking about going back to apply for a job with my previous employer (and of course there's no guarantee they'll hire me back), but I'm incredibly nervous too. I've always suspected that I'd want to be a mom who works away from home, just because I think that the energy I'd get from doing a job I love and feels rewarding to me would invigorate me and make me a happier person and thereby a better mom. But now that the moment is upon me, (or it will be in two weeks when we're back in the U.S.) I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety about the whole thing.